The World According To Madear

This is the continuation of The World According to Madear that I posted last year. I remembered a number of other stuff and added them here.

"Huwag kang magtatahi ng damit habang suot mo. Pag nagka-anak ka, walang butas ang puwet."
Oh-kay! Let's overlook the short-term problems of poking myself with a needle and focus on the distant future. Thank goodness Sharkteeth has a perfectly working butt hole. 



"Huwag kang kumanta habang nagluluto, hindi ka magkaka-asawa."
Always defiant, I deliberately reserved my singing for the few times I cooked when I was young. In my mid-twenties, boyfriend-less, there would be moments when I'd quietly ask myself, "Could it be true? Nah... But..." 



"Huwag kang mag-aalaga ng cactus, hindi ka magkaka-asawa."
No, hindi ako nag-alaga ng cactus dati. Not out of fear na hindi mag-asawa, more like, "Gosh, nakapagpatubo ako ng peanuts, orchids, roses, daisies, dahlias, etc. Walang challenge magtanim ng cactus." Naisip ko, parang takot na takot ang magulang kong hindi ako mag-asawa.



"Nakasimangot ka dyan. Baka mahipan ka ng hangin, hindi na babalik yan."
Mother, natural resting bitchface lang talaga ako. Don't blame me, blame genetics. Ehem.



"Huwag kang maliligo or magbabasà sa gabi para di ka mapasma."
For years, hindi ako naliligo sa gabi. One stinky childhood. Lately ko na lang na-realize na baka naman ang totoong reason eh until I was 10, wala kaming indoor plumbing and we had get our water from a manual water pump. Well played, Madear, well played.

Mga Kwentong Sinauna: Nung Ma-Deads Si Uncle

Iisa ang uncle ko sa maternal side, and he had Down syndrome. They didn't realize immediately that he had it. Madear said that they were delighted kasi he was extremely flexible nung baby pa, pero medyo nagtaka sila, and only then did they seek a doctor. He didn't attend school, pero he was relatively independent. Mabait yun, although kung minsan, pag tinopak, maghahalo ang balat sa tinalupan. I remember once hiding in the wardrobe with my cousins kasi nagwawala sya. Pagkatapos naman nun, okay na uli. Marcos loyalist yun -- he would spend hours just watching Marcos' speeches. He must have been mesmerized.

Isa sa mga health problems ng may Down syndrome is congenital heart defect. And yun ang kinamatay ni Uncle, pero relatively matagal din ang buhay nya. Syempre, being the panganay, punong-abala si Madear sa lamay. Hindi halos natutulog. Pagod na pagod. Parang adrenaline na lang ang nag-po-propel sa kanyang kumilos. Nung araw ng libing, before ilabas ng bahay ang patay, may padasal muna, led by the oldies, along with Madear and her other siblings, my aunts (umuwi din si Auntie Bebeng).

...
Salamin ng katwiran...
Luklukan ng karunungan...
Mula ng tuwa namin...
Sisidlan ng kabanalan...
Sisidlang bunyi at bantog...
Sisidlang bukod na mahal na makusaing sumunod sa
Panginoong Diyos...
Rosang bulaklak, na di mapuspos ng bait ng tao ang halaga...
Tore ni David...
Toreng Garing...
Bahay na Ginto...
Kaban ng Tipan...
Pinto ng langit...
Talang maliwanag...
Mapagpagaling sa mga taong makasalanan
...

Bigla na lang si Madear, while sitting, slumped on the wall against her.

Sigaw ang oldies, "NAKU, SI NENE. INATAKE SA PUSO!!!" Nagkagulo ang mga tao. Nakalimutan for a moment si Uncle. Nakalimutan ang tore ni David, toreng garing, bahay na ginto, kaban ng tipan...

Siguro dahil sa sobrang ingay, biglang tayo si Madear. Nagulat na naman lahat kasi nga, diba "SI NENE. INATAKE SA PUSO!!!" Turned out NAKATULOG lang si Madear sa sobrang pagod. Phew.

Heart attack kaagad? Di ba pwedeng exhausted lang muna?

My Coño Madear

I took the liberty of editing the translation:

"Oh, [TPS], your dad killed a snake in our kitchen. It was as long as my arms and as big as my thumb. He saw the cat spying on it. What if I was the one who saw it? I can't run. OMG."

The line "I can't run. OMG" really cracked me up. Oh em gee, mother, you're so coño. Clearly, the stroke hasn't dampened your hirits.

The World According To Madear

Warning: There are things that you might deem TMI. You've been duly warned.


"Huwag mong kamutin ang sugat mo. Pag lumaki yan, lalabasan ng kabayong potro."
Para may lumabas na kabayo from a wound, no matter how large the wound is, is scary enough, gawin pang kabayong potro ("potro"* sounds so scary, ha?), ay naku! Pag di ka naman natakot, ewan ko na lang.
 
*UPDATE: Apparently, potro is Spanish for foal, and foals are so cute! Had I known then, kinamot ko nang kinamot ang sugat ko till a kabayong potro came out of the wound. LOL!

"Kailangang matanggal lahat ng kuto mo; kung hindi, ililipad ka nyan sa punong kawayan."
 Jusko, ang taas kaya ng kawayan. Opo!!! Ubusin nyo ho lahat ang mga kutong 'yan!

"Huwag kang kakain sa madilim. Sasaluhan ka ng demonyo."
Ang daming masamang tao, bakit kaya di sya dun sumalo sa pagkain?

"Mag-iingat ka pag Byernes Santo. Pag nagkasugat ka, hindi gagaling."
Have I mentioned that I was (still am) a stubborn kid. Talaga namang yun pa ang pinili kong araw para mag-bike ng paulit-ulit dun sa matarik na lugar na may sharp turn. Miss the turn and mahuhulog ka. I really tempted fate that time. Di ako tumigil hanggang hindi ako nahuhulog. Thankfully, gumaling naman ang sugat ko.

"Huwag kang maliligo pag Biyernes Santo. Patay ang Diyos."
Sinunod ko talaga eto. Kaso minsan nagpunta kami ng mga cousins ko sa Baguio. Di kasama si Ma-Dear. Hayun, I got my chance and naligo ako ng Biyernes Santo. 


"Pag nagka-regla ka na, ipahid mo sa mukha mo para kikinis balat mo."
Kadirs!!! Buti na lang di ko kasama si Ma-Dear when I had my first period. But then, baka iyan ang dahilan kung bakit di ako makinis.

"Huwag kang maliligo pag mag mens ka. Baka maloka ka."
Kaya siguro... Hahahahahaha!

"Huwag kang matutulog ng basa ang buhok. Mabubulag ka."
I accidentally fell asleep with wet hair during college. Nung nagigising na ako, I remembered na basa ang buhok ko when I fell asleep. I was so afraid to open my eyes and check if I was already blind.

"Pag may tiktik, may aswang. Pag may aswang, ibig sabihin may buntis sa malapit."

Paniwalang-paniwala naman ako. Uto-uto eh. Poor tiktik got the bum rap.

"Pag nanaginip ka na nabubunot ngipin mo, may mamamatay. Kumagat ka sa halaman para hindi mangyari."
Kung makikita nyo lang ang halaman naming palmera. Tssskk...


"Pag pinakagat mo sa tutubi (dragonfly) ang nipple mo, matututo kang lumangoy." 
I was left traumatized, but I bet not as much as that poor, poor dragonfly...

♥♥♥

Most of my mom's anecdotes are scary, and I'm guessing it was meant to be that way, i.e., to scare me into submission. No wonder I grew up with various phobias and fears. I was already an adult when I dealt with my phobias, and sometimes, when I dream of a tooth falling off, I still feel a twinge of fear.