The World According To Madear

This is the continuation of The World According to Madear that I posted last year. I remembered a number of other stuff and added them here.

"Huwag kang magtatahi ng damit habang suot mo. Pag nagka-anak ka, walang butas ang puwet."
Oh-kay! Let's overlook the short-term problems of poking myself with a needle and focus on the distant future. Thank goodness Sharkteeth has a perfectly working butt hole. 



"Huwag kang kumanta habang nagluluto, hindi ka magkaka-asawa."
Always defiant, I deliberately reserved my singing for the few times I cooked when I was young. In my mid-twenties, boyfriend-less, there would be moments when I'd quietly ask myself, "Could it be true? Nah... But..." 



"Huwag kang mag-aalaga ng cactus, hindi ka magkaka-asawa."
No, hindi ako nag-alaga ng cactus dati. Not out of fear na hindi mag-asawa, more like, "Gosh, nakapagpatubo ako ng peanuts, orchids, roses, daisies, dahlias, etc. Walang challenge magtanim ng cactus." Naisip ko, parang takot na takot ang magulang kong hindi ako mag-asawa.



"Nakasimangot ka dyan. Baka mahipan ka ng hangin, hindi na babalik yan."
Mother, natural resting bitchface lang talaga ako. Don't blame me, blame genetics. Ehem.



"Huwag kang maliligo or magbabasà sa gabi para di ka mapasma."
For years, hindi ako naliligo sa gabi. One stinky childhood. Lately ko na lang na-realize na baka naman ang totoong reason eh until I was 10, wala kaming indoor plumbing and we had get our water from a manual water pump. Well played, Madear, well played.

My Coño Madear

I took the liberty of editing the translation:

"Oh, [TPS], your dad killed a snake in our kitchen. It was as long as my arms and as big as my thumb. He saw the cat spying on it. What if I was the one who saw it? I can't run. OMG."

The line "I can't run. OMG" really cracked me up. Oh em gee, mother, you're so coño. Clearly, the stroke hasn't dampened your hirits.