Reneging On My Promise

I miss my dear friend, D, so much. So, so, so much.

When I find myself chuckling at an anecdote I read online and I proceed to write an email to her, forwarding her the link...only to realize she won't be replying anymore.

When I see something new in the grocery and think of sending her one, being the foodie that she is...but sadly it's now "being the foodie that she WAS."

When I see Kate Spade, Pylones, Fully Booked, Snoopy, Sanrio, and remember how much she liked  beautiful things.

When Christmas came and went without a present from her and realized that it wasn't even the actual present that I was longing for but the knowledge that anything from her was well-thought of and something she subtly picked up from one of our conversations, showing that she truly listened.

When I'm about to whine about services, helpers, products, etc...only to be reminded that she won't be there anymore to support  me in my endless DTI complaints.

When I open my Facebook and see that she hasn't logged for a long time now...she used to spend as much time as I do on Facebook.


When I'm in a conundrum and I get reminded of how she guided me on doing the right thing, never imposing, never rebuking, always gentle and kind.

When I'm about to do something rash, crass, downright cheap and jologs and pause long enough to think, "what would D do?"

When I was in Abest writing the waybill for the silvanas I sent for her wake and found myself teary-eyed and disoriented that I was addressing it to her husband, not to her.

And so on and so forth. Ad infinitum.

♥♥♥

I visited her grave in Heritage on the morning of the 24th last December. When I reached the area and I alighted, I saw a fresh grave and I was immediately emotionally overtaken by the sight.

The reality that D is gone and her ashes are buried underneath shook me...bumuhos talaga ang luha ko...until I looked away and saw that there were two more fresh graves nearby. And most likely hindi nya grave ang iniiyakan ko.

I dried my tears and texted her son. Her son gave me a map the day before, but I didn't realize that he sent the coordinates as well. True enough, hindi nga yun ang grave nya. After another wrong grave, I had no choice but to send a picture of one of the fresh graves to confirm D's final resting place.

By the time I got to the correct grave, lit some candles, and was ready to (re-)pour my heart out, a hearse carrying a body for burial arrived, along with the relatives of the dead. It was my first time to watch an "alta" burial. Nobody was wailing or hysterically supplicating to be buried(!) with the dead. It was a very quiet and dignified affair. Being a card-carrying member of hoi polloi, I was strangely, morbidly fascinated by the sight. Good thing I was able to check myself and stop staring. (Siguro kinalabit ako ni D to stop gawking.)

I left soon after. I couldn't seem to regain my "conversation" with D with so many people around.

I can just imagine D chuckling at the sight of me.

♥♥♥

Aggie mentioned her conversations with D in one of her posts, which was ominously about funeral songs, and where she posted part of the lyrics of All We Leave Behind:

None of the things we leave behind
Will tell the story of our passage here
Not the symbols of wealth, or of glory
It’s the legacy of love
That remains engraved in those we hold most dear
In the people we touch
It is the essence of all
We leave behind

There is nothing that holds more true that this, and D's death is an all too stark reminder. Indeed, her legacy of love remains engraved in those she held most dear and in the people whose lives she touched -- her son, her husband, family and relatives, friends of her son, parents of friends of her son, co-workers, co-parents, friends, friends' kids (I was planning to ask her to be Sharkteeth's confirmation ninang), tutees, former students, blog friends, even Rustan's personnel. As one of her friends said in D's Facebook wall, "It seems most of us [D's friends] were in for the same surprise and it is this: even if we each had thought so all this time, hindi pala kami ang most special friend ni D. Madami pala kami na feeling 'D's Most Loved'" -- because she treated each one of us in the most special way possible. I've said this once, but it bears repeating, her passing left a hole on this earth, in this universe, that seems impossible to fill.

I know, I know, I said no public tributes -- sorry, D (huwag kang magalit and huwag mo akong multuhin). I'm not exactly looking for closure, but I need to deal and this is the only way of dealing I know. See you again, dear friend, but not too soon.